To Annie, please: My spouse passed away in 2018, and I am now a 73-year-old widow. One of my two grown sons died in October, and the other no longer communicates with me. Despite the fact that we were never really close, he feels I abandoned him.
He persuaded me that it would be best for my husband and me if we moved into a house he bought in 2012. He later stated that he had to reside there as well because of the mortgage. He hardly recognized us unless he needed assistance with his kid, my only grandchild, and our connection was tense.
He casually inquired about our plans to move one day. Despite my shock, I saw it as a sign that we were no longer desired. I made arrangements for us to depart while my son was at work in order to relieve my husband of further worry. He terrified me, even though I knew I should have talked to him first. I later learned that he felt abandoned and enraged.
Since then, we have hardly spoken. My husband briefly extended his hand to give his ashes when he died away, but he kept the cost of the urn a secret from me. He phoned out of duty when my other son passed away, but he never followed up. I attempted to contact him, but I gave up when he responded briefly.
I’m alone now, getting older, and my health is deteriorating. He doesn’t seem interested in getting back in touch, but I do. When I die, I want to send him a note telling him that, despite my difficulties in expressing it, I have always loved him. I felt inferior, therefore I was afraid to speak to him. What ought I to write in this letter? –A Mother Who Is Lost and Alone
Dear Mother Who Is Lost and Alone: Let me start by expressing my sincere regret for the losses you have experienced. The weight of unsaid words combined with deep grief over losses can be an intolerable burden. It’s sad that your relationship has been so strained because you obviously love your son.
Please send him a letter if you would like to! Even though you weren’t always sure how to express it, tell him you’ve always loved him. Recognize that although there were miscommunications and errors on both sides, your love for him remained unwavering. Tell him that you are proud of him and that he has always been important to you, regardless of how far away you are.
Above all, compose the letter for YOU as well. It’s a method to let go of the hurt from the past and accept the things you can’t alter. You will have communicated your truth in a loving manner regardless of whether he agrees with you. However, don’t save the letter till you’re dead. Write it down and deliver it to him right away.
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