To Eric, I recognized myself in a November 5, 2024, Asking Eric piece. After reaching out to a friend who was experiencing a crisis and not receiving the reaction he was hoping for, or any response at all, the perplexed buddy became perplexed.
My 18-year-married husband passed away from cancer when I was 45. It was quick and unpleasant. I tried to put on a good front, but I was paralyzed by grief. In addition to offering to pick up my dry washing, friends and family reached out and brought cards, gifts, and flowers. I didn’t answer. I was literally unable to function. I feel embarrassed of myself because that was almost thirty years ago. I’d like to go back and make it right. However, I am unable to. But it was those deeds of goodwill that kept me going during the terrible times our family was going through.
You reached out to console your buddy because you care about her, not because you needed a thank-you message, is what I would say to your perplexed friend. Your goal was to assist her in trying to move on. You did, too. Your pal is attempting to accomplish that. Grief affects everyone of us differently, and some people cope with it better than others.
I wish I could return.
Stories by
R. Eric Thomas
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Asking Eric: I wish my husband s family would do something about his ex s ashes stored in a box in our garage
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Asking Eric: Is passive-aggressive husband withholding flower bouquets as a power move?
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Asking Eric: I want my well-off friend to get off her soapbox and actually help the underserved
To Wish: We appreciate you telling the letter writer about yourself and your support. Permit me to provide some uninvited counsel.
Please make an effort to forgive yourself and let go of the guilt you still feel over your response from thirty years ago. We all deal with bereavement in different ways, as you write. Additionally, I would change your last statement to read: there is no right or wrong way to accomplish it. You managed the unthinkable in a way that made life easier for you every day.
I have no doubt that your loved ones recognized any lack of response or have come to understand it as a result of their own grieving processes. You completed the necessary task, and it was sufficient; you don’t need to repeat it.
For inquiries, contact R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or by mail at P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com and follow him on Instagram.
