To Annie, please: How can I explain to a sibling that she cannot make me come take care of our sick mother? Mom is recuperating from a stroke and is about ninety-two. She is unable to conduct many everyday tasks for herself since it has damaged her vision. She no longer drives because of her weak motor skills, which also prevent her from cooking, handling hot objects on a stove, taking a shower, or bathing.
While my siblings and I agree that Mom needs nursing care and assisted living, one of them is adamant about taking care of Mom on her own. All well and wonderful, but she now understands that it has become a burden, preventing her from living her own life, seeing her friends, or taking care of her own house. Caretaker Sister is lucky to be able to work remotely and live with Mom because the rest of us reside several states away.
Twice a week, a home health assistant comes to help with light housework and daily showering. Sister believes she can simply snap her fingers and I will come to relieve her for a month or longer at a time because I am retired. I don’t mind going to see Mom, but I don’t feel comfortable with the degree of care she provides.
Sister always has a new excuse for her opposition to assisted living whenever the subject is brought up. First, it was because assisted living institutions employ poor people and are not pleasant places to be. Then, it was said that while assisted living is OK, she doesn’t want to go against her mother’s wishes. (Mom has informed her that she wishes to go.) Sister then expressed her desire for a facility that offers graded care so that Mom won’t have to relocate as her condition worsens.
The list is endless, and each time a new explanation is offered. The rest of us siblings are grateful that Sister has taken over Mom’s care, transporting her to doctor’s appointments, shopping for groceries, and cooking meals, but we knew this was inevitable. While all of us are married, have families, own homes, and reside in different places, Sister is unmarried and believes that her time is over.
Indeed, she ought to be allowed to take a vacation, visit her home, and regain her life. If she will only accept Mom moving into assisted living, she could accomplish all of that. Mom can afford to take care of her. Sister, however, simply believes she is capable of doing it better.
Any ideas on how to resolve this? Having Trouble Reaching a Consensus
To Struggling, It can be very traumatic to deal with a parent’s deteriorating health. Although she may not want to acknowledge it, your sister seems to have reached her breaking point after taking on a huge amount of responsibility. She is more resistant to assisted living because of feelings of shame, dread, and despair than because she is making logical decisions. The best course of action is to act since your mother has stated that she want to move into assisted living. Tell your sister that your mother has the last say on the matter and begin looking into facilities that you feel comfortable with.
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