To Eric, I’m a man with two previous marriages and divorces. I have two children with my first wife. Previously, my second wife had four children. Everyone is still friends with me, and I see them occasionally. What should I name my ex-stepchildren, stepchildren, step-nieces/nephews, etc.? Although I don’t like my ex, I’m no longer married. I am referred to as her ex spouse by my second wife.
An exception
To the Exception: How do you feel about the former? For example, ex-stepchildren, etc. You can take a cue from your second ex-wife if you simply dislike the word “ex.”
I wonder, though, if you really need to worry about calling them anything other than their names, depending on the situation. For example, you may simply state, “I’m seeing (ex-wife’s name)’s kids and grandkids on Saturday,” when discussing your weekend plans with a buddy. Or I’m seeing some family friends, to a stranger.
Try eschewing formal titles and just think of them as your loved ones, which is what they seem to be, if you’re primarily worried about how to perceive them.
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To Eric, I’m a young adult with a Parkinson-like movement disease. In almost every region of my body, it results in dyskinesias, which are forceful, jerky, and uncontrollable muscular movements. These dyskinesias can be quite upsetting to strangers and are similar to the symptoms of illegal drugs. In order to prevent others from feeling unsafe around me, how would you advise me to handle this with folks I occasionally interact with, such as rideshare drivers, restaurant employees, and home repairmen?
Constantly Moving
To Move: I recognize the desire to make casual contacts more seamless, even though you are under no duty to share any health-related information with others and should always be treated with respect regardless of how you present yourself. Additionally, I assume that some anxiety would be reduced if you didn’t have to worry about what other people are thinking about you.
You are being kind to others by doing this. I’m worried that you’re putting your comfort first as well. The best course of action when interacting with rideshare drivers, servers, and the like may be to be straightforward and provide context. Just so you know, I may move erratically because I have a movement problem. I appreciate your understanding. This is a good moment to let them know if there is anything you would like them to do to facilitate the contact, even if it is only to give you extra space or time.
To Eric, My family suffered three losses in quick succession last year. In a three-month period, we lost my aunt, my sister, and my brother. February is their birthday month. What advice would you give someone who wants to get through this month without feeling depressed?
I’m feeling down.
To Blue, please: Take everything one day at a time. You may experience a variety of feelings because this is the first February without those loved ones. Try to be kind to yourself and accept that this is how I’m feeling at the moment. Sometimes you may want to take care of yourself, and other times you may feel the need to express how you’re feeling to someone else. It can be done in any way. However, knowing that your feelings are temporary and that you don’t have to deal with them all at once will help you avoid becoming overwhelmed.
Consider how you may honor the birthdays in ways that are healing and meaningful to you. That could entail doing anything that makes you think about your aunt, sister, or brother. It could also entail getting together to reminisce. It might also resemble going for a walk in the outdoors, either by yourself or with a companion, and focusing on your feelings and being in the moment. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to celebrate in the proper manner or to make it exceptional. In any case, that will suffice.
And it’s not too late if a birthday passes and you come up with an alternative approach to celebrate. None of this has a time restriction.
I’m so sorry that these losses are causing you sorrow. I am aware that it is difficult. Grief is an unplanned process that will evolve daily, as will your relationship with it. Please ask for help from a grief support group, a counselor, and/or the people you care about. With somebody who can hold those emotions without hurrying you, discuss where you are right now. Take care of yourself in the midst of all of this so that this month is about more than simply mourning; it’s about the lives you were able to participate in and how they continue to improve your own.
For inquiries, contact R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or by mail at P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com and follow him on Instagram.
